Mirror, Mirror On the Wall, Which is The Most Racist Flag of All?

After reading the Newsweek article originally known as “It’s Time to Haul Down Another Flag of Racist Hate,” I was moved to write about what I feel is the most racist flag around. After all, we’ve managed to rid Amazon of the Confederate flag and Dukes of Hazzard reruns from late night TV.  With this remarkable victory against the forces of evil under our belt, what’s a socially conscious and (inherently guilty) white man to warn America about from the rooftops of the internet?

A brave, intrepid journalist named Rick Perlstein has informed us that the POW/MIA flag that we all thought was a reminder of those who didn’t come home was actually a symbol of how much racism was still alive and well in America. As he said, the silhouette on the flag represents a white man, even though he’s black on the flag. It’s definitely not that the POW/MIA flag represents all those missing in action regardless of race. It’s another symbol of white America’s efforts to keep all the other races under our thumb.

With that in mind, I move that we should move another flag into the museums and history books. The true symbol only used by “right-wing politicians who wish to exploit hatred by calling it heritage” as my new favorite scribe Perlstein put it? Definitely the American flag.

What does it represent, really? Each star represents the fifty states of the Union. A white star, of course, representing the white people who stole each state from the Native Americans. They reside on a blue field, which represents the sky under which these atrocities took place. The sky cries because of the atrocities it has witnessed under the American flag.

The red stripes represent, of course, the blood of all the innocent people we’ve spilled over the two-hundred-odd years of our unfortunate existence. These red stripes are on top of the white stripes, much like the blood of the innocents is all over the skin of white America.

The best way forward for our country is to rid itself of all symbols of racism wherever they exist. Alexander Hamilton, who was probably racist because he existed in the 1700s, should be replaced on the ten dollar bill by Harriet Tubman driving an underground railroad-themed monster truck over a line of General Lees. Seinfeld reruns should come off the air, because Kramer went on a racist rant during a stand up bit. Finally, the American flag should be replaced by a simple white banner with the words WE’RE SORRY, in all the languages of the people we’ve killed, written in non-racist fonts – something like Comic Sans.

I know what you’re thinking – what’s this guy’s address, so I can kill him? But on the long drive from Mississippi to Arizona (go fast, turn left!), please reflect on all the racism you’re perpetrating by continuing to love America. Racism racism racism. I don’t have much of an argument, but I said racism a lot. That’s the key to journalistic success, if Rick Perlstein is to be my guide.